Sex Talks With Edward
by vampiregrrrl110
Summary: Edward is getting married, and as a doctor and father, I have a responsibility towards him. My 103 year old virgin son. This was going to be awkward.
1. Let's Talk About SEX

**A Sex Talk With Edward**

**Okay, I was writing another chapter for 'Trying', when I got this idea. It's a one-shot, Hope you guys like it!**

I knew something was wrong.

Carlisle had been keeping his thoughts carefully censored for the past few days, and Emmet and Jasper burst out in fits of laughter every time I entered the room.

Alice just looked at me sympathetically.

Rosalie's sarcastic, disparaging comments were normal.

This was why I spent all my time with Bella. No secrets, No sexually active couples thinking very UNcensored things and situations that they would try out later.

My siblings (and parents) had one-track minds.

From what I'd been able to catch, which wasn't much, Sex was on everyone's mind.

Which really wasn't anything new.

As I said, living dead soul-mates + no chance of pregnancyBrothel

Also, the only think Carlisle let slip was that he had something to talk to me about.

This was a conundrum.

Had I done anything very bad lately? I didn't think so. And even if I did, he wouldn't know because I barely spend any time at the house. I just come here to change.

Maybe he wanted to discuss where we would move after Forks. London was nice.

Or maybe he wanted to talk about what kind of house we would buy, or maybe we were going to live separately this time.

Yes, that was probably it. . . .

I was broken out of my reverie when Carlisle called softly from his study, "Edward? Could I speak to you for a minute please?"

I got there in under a second.

"Yes, Carlisle?"

He hesitated. This was going to be interesting.

"Edward, I know Alice is planning the wedding as we speak, and that Bella wants her last human experience to be. . .sex. And I wanted To talk to you about that."

I pinched the bridge of my nose.

Oh God.

And how exactly did he know that?

Ugh. Don't tell me. Alice.

Not Carlisle too. Charlie, I could understand, because obviously, being a father, and Bella being a girl. . . he'd want to . . . .be. . .reassured.

But a sex talk? With Carlisle?

Oh please, I don't ask for much, but I'm asking for this. . . .

No such luck.

A whirlwind was swirling around his head.

He'd thought this through.

And he was going to talk to me about it.

"Now, I understand the amount of self-control you've had to exercise around Bella. And I admire that. But, do you really think, if put in this. . . . .situation. . . that you'll be able to. . ." He searched for a word.

Please don't say 'perform', please don't say 'perform', please don't say. . . .

"-control yourself?"

Sigh. Relief. But this did not change the fact that Carlisle was having a sex talk with me.

If I had blood, I would have been tomato red by now.

I mean, I obviously studied all this in medical school already. So what was so different now?

A doctor was talking to me about sex.

It didn't make a difference that the doctor happened to be my father.

LIE. IT DID. IT SO DID.

Now, I can completely empathize with Bella.

But I was in for the worst. Carlisle was far more knowledgeable about this than Charlie. He knew the mechanics.

And we were going to have a long, drawn out discussion about it.

Heaven help me.


	2. Tactfulness

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"Right. So you understand that when you. . . . ._enter her,_" I winced. Carlisle wasn't very tactful.

I'd been sitting here for half an hour. Which is a long time if you can write a 100 page essay in three minutes.

"That the membrane is. . . . torn, or. . . . _penetrated,_ and . . . . .she bleeds. That is, if she is a virgin."

My head snapped up.

"If she's a virgin? Why wouldn't she be? Who did she stop being a virgin with? What did she tell you? Or Alice? Did she tell-"

"Edward. Calm." He cut me off.

"Even if she isn't, she's elected to spend all of eternity with you. She's chosen _you_. I'd say that's a pretty big commitment, wouldn't you?"

I grunted something in a monosyllable.

He took that as confirmation.

Unfortunately, further into the discussion, he'd become more comfortable, which made him talk more.

I, on the other hand was mortified for the whole conversation. This was one of the drawbacks to being a virgin. People felt they had to discuss at length with you the process of sex.

God. It is a _natural_ human instinct you know.

Granted, I'm not human, but. . . . . . .

And, added to that, Carlisle also discussed the effect of the hymen breaking, the amount of blood, the exact hip positioning. . . .

I would crawl into a hole and curl up and die if it weren't for Bella.

Yes, I was that embarrassed.

Thankfully, I'd managed to block out most of Carlisle's talking, because, most of his questions were rhetorical.

Mostly he was just explaining.

And, with that embarrassing within itself, I thought I heard my _dearest _siblings outside the door.

No. Allow me to rephrase that. I _knew _I heard my siblings outside the door.

They were careful not to make any noise, but their minds were most certainly NOT silent.

But there was really no point to begin with in closing the study doors.

Everybody could hear us even from the living room with the television on.

Curse those heightened vampire senses.

Plus, Jasper could feel the discomfort rolling out of the room in waves.

And Alice probably saw the whole thing days ago.

I was suddenly aware of Carlisle speaking again.

"And Edward, I wanted to talk to you about protection." He said, quite comfortable now. "Now, obviously, the human methods aren't going work very well because mostly, the male wears the condom, and you, well you are probably going to be a _tad_ over-excited to worry about things . . ._slipping off." _I grimaced. "But then, you're probably wondering why I'm telling you about protection when we don't even have sperm. Well, the thing is, we can't be completely sure. I mean you _are _a virgin, and all of our partners have been vampires when we. . .consummated our . . . ._relationships_. So perhaps you should use spermicide. Just to be safe after all. We don't know what could happen."

I nodded, keeping my head down. Bella and her raging hormones. She really couldn't wait until we were both the same species.

Yes, I was excited as well, very much so, but I would have never suggested it, because it wouldn't have been. . . . .Well, it just wouldn't have been SMART. Or respectful.

I mean, the male in the relationship doesn't go around being all 'I want sex. Give me sex.'

Well. The male in a good, mature, responsible relationship.

Especially when I was so much stronger than her. No, that wouldn't be prudent at all.

But since she suggested it, and said that I can't really possibly hurt her, I gave in.

Why not? We were going to anyway.

Carlisle pulled something from a desk drawer.

Oh God please, I don't need a demonstration, I know how to put on a condom. Ok, well maybe I don't, but I'm sure it's pretty basic.

How else would goons like Tyler Crowley get them on?

Really?

I heard a low, quick laugh that wasn't supposed to be heard.

I clenched my fists.

Jasper must have felt the fleeting panic when I thought there was going to be a demonstration.

I was SO going to get Alice.

You may see the future, but you can't hide from it.

Wherever you are, I will find you. . . . .

Carlisle handed me the condoms (in assorted colours!), and spermicide.

"Is that all?" I asked weakly, feeling nauseous and knowing the answer.

"Yes Edward." He said softly as he dismissed me.

I rose fluidly and was out in waaaaay less than a second.

I threw the . . . . . items, Carlisle gave me in my room, and walked down to the living room, knowing that if I didn't go, they'd come to find me soon.

I sighed. I could hear the laughing from here.

I took a deep breath that I didn't need, and walked down slowly to face my fate.

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	3. Teenagers and Brothers

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To my surprise, I heard only Jasper and Emmett in the room.

I hadn't thought Rosalie would've missed this.

But I was grateful she had.

I would have been a sitting duck for her comments.

"Hey, my brother." Emmett greeted me, stifling a laughing fit.

Jasper just grinned, and sent a wave of calm towards me.

"Thanks," I muttered. I sunk onto the sofa.

"So, how was your discussion with Carlisle? What did you two talk about?" Jasper asked, with the most innocent face he could muster.

_I was almost nauseous with the amount of distress coming out of there. I'm so glad to have Alice._

"I think you know." I glared at them darkly.

"Where's Alice and Rose? And Esme?" I attempted to change the subject.

"They're at Bella's. They've taken her shopping." _With lots of girl talk. Isn't that a comforting thought? _Emmett said.

If Bella found out about this. . . . . .

"And Esme's looking for furniture." Jasper piped up.

"Quit changing the subject." Emmett smacked me playfully on the head.

"I'm not." I hit him back. "I was simply enquiring as to why my two sisters, and my mother, were not present." I said stiffly.

"So is there anything you'd like to ask us? _Little _brother?" Jasper smirked.

"We knew your last stage of development wasn't long in coming. Now look at him, all grown up and getting married and getting ready to do his girlfriend." Emmett sneered.

I hit him.

He reciprocated.

He feigned crying. "It seems like it was just yesterday he was holed up in his room, brooding, while we were having _fun."_

"I would just like to point out that I'm older than both of you." So there.

"So _is _there anything you'd like to ask us Edward? You need to get some toys or oils, or something? If you did, we'd go get them for you. You'd probably be too young to buy them. You know, no ID or anything." Jasper told me.

"And, of course, it _is _a small town. You can't possibly do that to Bella, unless you want her to be the talk of the town." He said.

_And not in a good way. I don't imagine Bella would be too pleased to find out she's the town tramp. When she's still a virgin. __**Wait. **__Is she? The dog seemed __**awfully **__chipper when I last saw him. Hmmmmmm._

I ignored that. Or, at least, tried to.

"After all," Emmett said, "What are big brothers for, if not to get you stuff illegally. I mean, Carlisle probably wouldn't approve, but he doesn't have to know. "

_I'm sure Charlie doesn't. But after the marriage, he'll probably get a pretty clear picture. And come after you with a shotgun. It's a good thing you're bulletproof. ___**A/N: Lol)**

Emmett dodged the table flying at him with ease. Dammit.

Since I couldn't go over to Bella's, I was going to have to stay here and endure.

After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Right?

Who knew what Alice, Bella and Rosalie were discussing now?

Maybe I would take Emmett and Jasper up on their offer. . . .

I knew Emmett and Rose got wild. I usually attempted to be out of the house during their, um, _adventures._

Because they were like Jacob Black's fantasies. Loud.

Obviously, I didn't make it out of the house every time. And I'd heard something about heating oils last night, in Emmett's head.

And blood flavoured condoms left over from Halloween.

Maybe Bella wouldn't object to _experimenting. _

What? Hey, she was open minded, wasn't she?

"So tell us Edward," Jasper sneered, snapping me out of my daze, "Is it true that teenage boys think about sex twenty times a minute?"

Emmett nearly broke a rib. If he weren't a vampire, that is.

Laughing.

You know, I could get this information some other time.

This was too much.

I turned on my heel and supersped out of there.

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	4. Almost

**Alice's POV**

"I think this would look _great, _Bella. Try it on." I commanded. She looked hesitant.

"Now." I ordered.

She walked to the dressing room as if she was walking to her death. I sighed. When Bella was turned, how was I going to make her come shopping with me? She'd be strong.

Maybe I'd coerce her into going _lingerie _shopping.

Although, with the amount of sex my dear 107 year old virgin brother and new 18 year old sister would be having, the lingerie might survive approximately 5 seconds before Edward ripped them off.

And I literally meant _ripped. _As in _destroyed. _Rosalie was in a different store, a herbal-ish store actually.You know, with massage oils, and heating stuff and _toys. . . _She and Emmett had used up their stock.

In a few days. Unsurprisingly.

Rosalie and I had decided to take this time to explain some things to Bella. About sex. Undoubtedly our only chance, because Edward was undergoing the same torture with Carlisle now.

I looked into the future.

Actually, the talk was over, and he'd apparently fled to the meadow, where no one's unclean thoughts could bother him. God. My brother was _such _a prude. Our discussion with Bella wouldn't be uncomfortable, I saw. Just like 18 year olds talking about sex with their boyfriends.

It was only when you brought parents into the equation that it got awkward. Hmm. I'd never had a sex talk. From what I'd seen, I actually felt sorry for Edward.

Just a little.

Bella came out just as I was musing to myself. I smiled in delight.

"You look absolutely _gorgeous!" _I exclaimed, and went over to her. She was in a baby blue halter dress, where the neckline dipped down nearly to her navel. Hmm. I wondered vaguely if I could get her to pierce it.

I doubted it.

Any way, it stopped at midthigh, and was a really clingy material. She even had cleavage.

"Okay, take it off. We're not done shopping." I told her. She sighed and went back into the dressing room. And we really weren't. We still had loads to buy.

Bras, jeans, underwear, tops, Bella wasn't going to like it, but once she tried on a few things, I'd be able to gauge her body type. She wouldn't have to try on anything for me to go psycho shopping spree on her.

Teehee.

**Bella's POV.**

I was, once again, coerced into playing Guanie Pig Barbie with Alice. Actually, coerced wasn't the right word. Kidnapped was more like it. Edward told me to go, that it would be fun.

He had to be up to something.

Whether it was a terrifying surprise, or a dreamdate, Edward always came up with something for a Friday night, though I was always satisfied to simply be in his arms. The worst, or best, depending on how you looked at it, was last summer, before he. . . . before everything.

It was the best summer of my mortal life. Not because of all the money Alice and Edward spent, or the amount my scanty wardrobe grew, but because I was with _him _for almost the entire time. I got my first taste of heaven that summer, and could never return to my previous life, in Phoenix. It seemed dim, almost dismal in comparison.

I didn't need the Sun; with it, I couldn't see the shooting stars.

Currently however, Alice was making me try on dress after dress, then tops, and bottoms, skirts and shorts, anything and everything that she liked. True, Alice _did _have fashion sense to put Blair Waldorf to shame, but I was perfectly fine with my appearance. Of course, I wanted Edward and I to look like we matched, but that would happen in time.

"God Alice, how many things has she tried on?" I heard Rosalie's lilting voice through the dressing room door.

I could practically _feel _Alice's smile on the other side. "Never you mind, Rose. Have you gotten all your . . . supplies?"

I flushed lightly. I could reckon what Rosalie's supplies were. She did all of her shopping in Europe, so it was definitely not clothes; and what else did a vampire need? She seldom used make-up, and was all-round gorgeous. Also, they didn't need human food, so it could only be the only thing Rosalie and Emmett ever really ran out of: supplies from _'Kinkie's'._

The comical thing about this store, I thought, was that it was two letters different from the New York 'Kinko's', and supplied radically different things. Some of which included rubbing oils, all the KY'S, condoms (of varied flavours), and _toys._

"Bella?" Alice called.

"Hmm?" Crap, I'd changed back to my clothes more than three minutes ago. It must've seemed even longer to them.

"Are you done in there?" She asked me.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be out in two seconds," I replied, grabbing my purse off the hook; not that I'd be needing it. Against my requests, Alice continued to shop for me. She saw no reason why she couldn't give her 'new sister' things, especially when my wardrobe was so 'scarce and nondescript'.

I'd almost given up trying to reason with her. It was useless.

"We'll be at the front. Meet us there." _By the cashier. _Dear Alice. She thought I had no idea that she was going to buy all of this. I did. And I was totally powerless to stop it.

I met Alice and Rosalie in the front, with approximately 15 bags in their hands, not including Rosalie items from 'Kinkie's'.

"Are you hungry, Bella?" Rosalie asked.

I checked my watch. I should've been hungry, but wasn't. They'd both throw a fit if I said 'no', and Edward would rip both of their throats out if I didn't eat, so I answered, "Sure."

We looked around to find a place to sit in the Food Court, sat, and plunked all of the bags down. Alice and Rose looked . . . . like something was on their minds.

They waited until I was finished eating to say anything. I'd looked for the shortest line, chosen the first thing I'd seen, and gobbled it down quickly.

"Bella. We know that you've elected to sleep with Edward before turning, and we wanted to update you on some facts."

I looked up, at each of their flawless porcelain faces. They were serious. Oh my God. I was in for a sex talk. I attempted to backtrack immediately.

"You know guys, I've already had this talk with my mom, quite a few years ago, and it still rings loud and clear in my head. I know, really. So thanks for-"

"We know you've taken Sex Ed, Bella." Alice cut me off.

"We know you know the mechanics, the cycle, how women get pregnant. All the theory. But-"Rosalie stopped, and looked at Alice.

Alice met Rose's gaze, then continued, "_But, _seeing that Edward has been . . . . _inactive _for upwards of a century, we feel that his, and your, first experience with sex, should be the greatest introduction ever."

Alice released a breath she'd been holding, nervous habit, I supposed. Her tiny body visibly relaxed, as she seemed to settle into the topic. Rosalie was at ease from the start; this topic was definitely in her comfort zone.

"Now, Bella, would you like to know what Edward has been doing all morning?" Alice's famous pixie smirk returned.

My brow furrowed slightly. _I hoped it was nothing embarrassing . . . . _"What?"

"I should probably say 'subjected to' instead. He really wasn't able to get out of it; Carlisle had been planning it for _days._ And he hadn't thought about it, so, naturally, Edward was oblivious. Edward was made to listen to, and participate in, mind you, though minimally, a sex talk." Alice told me.

My jaw dropped. _A sex talk? __**Edward**__? The person who'd been to medical school __**three**__ times? Who could read people's minds? What could possibly convince Carlisle that Edward needed a sex talk? _

"Carlisle thought that, although Edward was an expert on the theory, like yourself, he didn't have the experience to guide him on the right path. He nearly considered having Emmett and I talk to him. I wish I'd been there afterwards." Rosalie told me, looking positively impish.

By now, Alice and Rosalie were freely giggling over the shopping bags. I was still in a little too much shock for such actions.

"Carlisle went so far as to describe to him, in _excruciating _detail, what would happen when he 'enters you'." Rosalie could not hold her giggles in anymore. She laughed loudly, and scandalously, but the sound was still exquisite.

This time, I felt heat pool to my face. "Me?" I squeaked. "They were actually talking about _me?" _

"Yes, silly. Seeing as you're Edward's mate. Who else would they be talking about?" Alice asked, in between bursts of laughter.

"A crash test dummy or something?" I muttered, still slightly red faced.

This sent them into fresh peals of laughter.

"Oh God, could you _imagine?" _Alice asked Rose, clutching her stomach.

"Okay, now this is practice so you don't break her Edward. Use it wisely!" Rosalie said, in a perfect imitation of Carlisle's voice. A mile wide grin spread across my face. I couldn't help it. Giggles exploded from me, sounding much less beautiful then my friends' bell-like chimes.


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